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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29510424">I'm fine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wandavis28/pseuds/Wandavis28'>Wandavis28</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Fame, Hate Speech, Hospitals, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, My First AO3 Post, POV First Person, POV Louis Tomlinson, POV Niall Horan, POV Third Person, Pining, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Valentine's Day, kinda sad, the POV narrative changes through the story but I promise it doesn't effect the story, twitter hate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 13:28:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,610</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29510424</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wandavis28/pseuds/Wandavis28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall was happy. Key word, was.<br/>Now niall is fine, at least that's what he told the others.<br/>However a certain band member might be able to see past the lies.<br/>But, maybe, it might have been too late.<br/>----------<br/>Or the one where Niall tell everyone he's fine when he's not, Louis think he's being obvious with his feelings and just some miscommunications that could lead to something better or worse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Niall Horan/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Enjoy this chapter! More notes in the end.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Niall POV:</p><p>
  <i>I'm fine.</i>
</p><p>I told myself the same thing everyday. I know I'm not but it's fine, no one need to know that.<br/>
I forces my eyes to open as the morning breeze flew into the room. I laid there just staring at the ceiling, not being able to find the strength to get up. Find the strength to pretend that I'm happy, that I'm the same person I was, that I'm fine.<br/>
After minutes of gathering all I had, I pushed myself out of bed and went into the bathroom. Even that simple task got me exhausted.</p><p>
  <i>God, I'm tired</i>
</p><p>I looked back at the figure in the mirror, that wasn't me. That person in the reflection wasn't me. I don't recognize him. I don't know who he is.He stood there with his dark circles underneath his eyes showing as bright as day, his eyes dull and clouded; he stared back, he's just a shell of a men who lost himself.</p><p>I brushed my teeth, went in the shower and stare back at myself while I styled my dead bleached hair. My mind swimming with a storm of thoughts.<br/>
<i>Fat.<br/>
Unworthy.<br/>
Worthless.<br/>
Waste of space.<br/>
Ugly.<br/>
Talentless.<br/>
Unlovable.</i><br/>
"Stop" I whispered, my voice cracked as I tried to keep the voices down. My heart ached as I pushed back my tears back into my pupils.<br/>
<i>Why am i here?<br/>
Why did i even bother?<br/>
No one love me.<br/>
Maybe i should just end-</i><br/>
My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, followed by the voice of 'daddy direction'.</p><p>"Niall, you awake?"<br/>
"Yes Liam, I'll be down in a bit" i replied<br/>
"Okay. Hurry up, the food's gonna get cold" Liam stated.<br/>
I made a small 'ok' back before I heard Liam's footsteps disappeared down the hallway.</p><p>It's time, I reminded myself, it's time to put on the act of Niall. The act of the Irish leprechaun who's always happy and carefree. The act that was once me.<br/>
I pulled my lips into a smile. It was very convincing if you ask me. If i wasn't me i would have fooled myself into thinking that the person in the mirror is happy.<br/>
I put on a pair of long selves baggy T-shirt and pants, pulled my bedroom door open and walked down the hall into the kitchen where I was greeted by four familiar faces.</p><p>
  <i>Here we go again.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So there is the first chapter (prologue) of this book! I'm going to update this story rather quick (I hope, if I have time) here on ao3 but if you want to check out the completed story, you could head onto wattpad! My user name is @mirrorkyaw and the tittle of the story is "I'm fine".<br/>Anyway,hope you enjoy this chapter and don't forget to give kudos if you enjoy it! Also, don't be a silent reader, write down your comments and reviews in the comment section! I'd love to read it!<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: August 23rd 2020 (for chapter 1 on wattpad)</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Niall POV:</p><p>"There's our little leprechaun!" Louis exclaimed, I had to force myself from wincing at his loudness.<br/>
The old me wouldn't do that. For fuck sake, the old me would be ten times louder than he was but now, all I could managed was gave him a small smile.I head towards the only seat available, beside Louis. To be honest with you, I'd always find Louis attractive and it took me months to talk to him without having butterflies go ballistic in my stomach.</p><p>Oh have I mentioned I'm gay? Well, I am. Another flaw on me. It's not that being gay is a bad thing, it's just ME being gay is, and to add a cherry on top of the cake, I fall for a guy who is obviously straight.<br/>
<i>I'm disgusting.</i><br/>
I pushed the thoughts aside as i took a seat beside him. He ruffled my hair as he pushed a full piece of pancake into his mouth.</p><p>"We have a photo shoot in an hour." Liam announced, looking up from his phone. He most likely got a text from management.<br/>
"WHAT?!" zayn shouted. I winced before I could stop myself.</p><p>
  <i>Why are everyone being so loud.</i>
</p><p>"Stop shouting." Harry mumbled while smacking Zayn in the head. Zayn apologized before stuffing his breakfast and heading upstairs to style his hair.</p><p>Sometime i don't even know why I'm in this band. I mean, everyone else here are so perfect.</p><p>Harry had the curls and the raspy voice that make the girls crazy. Liam had those muscles yet those puppy eyes that would make even the strongest of hearts melt. Zayn is a literal god, that even the straightest of men have a gay spot for him and finally louis, where do i even start. He have a voice and looks of a thousand angels, the personality and sassiness of a four year old and the bum to drool over.</p><p>Then, there's me. It's too depressing to even think about. I don't have the look, the voice, the abs or even the personality anymore. I don't deserve them and I was nothing but a burden to them.</p><p>"Niall. Niall!" Louis snapped his finger in front of my face.<br/>
Oh, I had zoned out again.<br/>
"Huh?" I replied<br/>
"I've been calling you for the past minute,"he said, worry drawn over his face.<br/>
"Sorry. I just zoned out." I replied, not meeting his eyes.</p><p>"You okay mate? You've been off lately. Is everything alright?" He asked.<br/>
No.<br/>
"Yes. Everything's fine" I smiled back,"Stop worrying about me. Anyway, where's the food! I'm starving." I attempted to changed the subject.<br/>
It worked.<br/>
"You're always hungry,"a grin spread across his face as he handed me a plate of pancake while I quickly put a piece in my mouth. <i>I have to throw that up later,</i>I noted.</p><p>"There, there. Slow down nialler." He exclaimed with a laugh.<br/>
The truth is, I wasn't hungry. To be honest, even the thought of food makes me want to puke but I had to keep up the act.<br/>
After we finished eating, we were greeted by Paul telling us that we were running late.<br/>
The day haven't even started yet but here I was already wishing i never woke up to start it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The writing do get better, the first few chapters were questionable, I know.<br/>I'm just posting as much chapters as I can, I'd probably post all the chapters by the end of today or this week coz this story is already finished, or not if I don't have time lol. I just did some minor adjustments in here so it shouldn't take long. As I have said, you can go check out the completed story on wattpad. Hope you enjoy this chapter! Don't forget to leave kudos and tell me your opinions/reviews in the comments.<br/>Loads of love, MirrorXX)<br/><b>Date written: August 24th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Niall POV:</p><p>A black range rover pulled up infront of the house and we climbed up and took our seats.<br/>
I quickly raced to the end of the car and put on my headphones, excluding myself from one direction.<br/>
I closed my eyes as the my consciousness slowly fades away and pulling me into a dreamless sleep.</p><p>I must had fallen into a deep sleep because the next thing i know i felt a sharp pain in my left arm, making me snapped my eyes open and winced.</p><p>"Niall, wake up" a voice said.<br/>
I blinked and adjusted my eyes to the brightness of the light and saw an angel looking back down.<br/>
"Niall?"Louis repeated.<br/>
I sat up and saw the source of the pain. He was shaking my hand and accidentally squeezing my unhealed wounds. It's okay, I deserved it.<br/>
"Yeah?" I asked back.<br/>
"We're here, come on." Louis replied.<br/>
Oh right, the photo shoot.<br/>
I stand up and followed him out of the car where we were hit by a crowd of paparazzi and some fans.</p><p>
  <i>"Louis! Niall! Look here"<br/>
"Louis, is larry real?"<br/>
"Niall did you find a new girlfriend?"<br/>
"Niall!"<br/>
"Louis!"</i>
</p><p>We successfully reached the door but suddenly a question out of many was asked,<br/>
<i>"Niall, why are you wearing long sleeves? It's summer."</i></p><p>I frozed on the spot and turned around to look at the person who asked the question but before i could, i was interrupted by Louis shouting,<br/>
"It's your fooking job! It's your fooking job you fooking losar!" and flipping the paps off.<br/>
I'm glad he didn't heard the question.</p><p>****************************************<br/>
Couple hours have passed and the photoshoot had gone okay.<br/>
Of course I wasn't the target of the photoshoot. I mean, if you were taking a photo with four gods by your side you wouldn't be too.<br/>
<i>Why am i here?</i></p><p>Now we were taking a break before our last shoot. I was sitting on the opposite side from where the boys were and eventhough every part of me is telling me not to, I went on Twitter.</p><p>The first few tweets were alright. They were about us and some were news about golf. Then there it was, the fourth tweet, my first hate tweet of the day.</p><p>It was from the user : <b><i>Ot5exceptniall</i> </b><br/>
<b>"Niall is so ugly. He can't even sing! And worse of all, he's so ungrateful and arrogant! I feel sorry for the boys. Why is he even in the band? Hell, why is he even in this world?"</b></p><p>I know i get hate. I know I am not attractive nor good looking but i never viewed myself as someone who is ungrateful. I always viewed myself to be a kind person and that's one thing i like about me. I never thought that people viewed me this way. I never-<br/>
Suddely tears welled up in my eyes and the thoughts were becoming too much, too loud. I tried to shut them out but there was no use. I can't breathe. It was impossible and sobs were begging to be released while i felt a puking sensation in the back of my throat.<br/>
"Ni-" a voice i didn't have time to register started.<br/>
I dropped my phone and sprinted to the toilet. There and then i puked while tears streamed down my face.<br/>
Why am i so weak, i thought as i chocked out a series of sobs. I cupped my hands over my mouth, muffling the sobs from being heard as i sat there crying.</p><p>I don't know how long i stayed there but i was pulled out of my daze when i heard a knock on my stall.<br/>
"Ni?" Louis asked, "Ni, are you in there?"<br/>
I couldn't bring myself to speak.<br/>
"Niall open up" he commanded, that snapped me out of whatever i was in.<br/>
He can't see me like this. No. I need to clean up. I need to look okay, seem okay.<br/>
" I'm okay louis. I'm just feeling sick a bit sick."i replied quickly adding a believable chuckle at the end.<br/>
"You sure?" he asked, "you can talk to me ni, you know that right?"<br/>
"Yess of course! Stop worrying about me tommo! Really I'm fine!" I laughed.<br/>
"Okay whatever you say neil" he chuckled back, look like i fooled him once again.</p><p>I heard him walked away and i pushed myself out of the bathroom floor, flushed the toilet and went outside to the mirror.<br/>
I looked horrible.<br/>
My eyes were blood red and tears track were visible on my pale face and my hair was a mess.<br/>
I wiped the tears off, washed my face,style my hair and went out of the bathroom and back into the dressing room where the boys and the stylist awaits.<br/>
I gave them a big bright smile and they happily returned. I went to my stylist and could have swear that louis was frowning while looking at me from my side eye.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Here's a heads up, the next chapter is going to be a bit intense. Anyway, what do u think so far? If you like it, don't forget to give kudos(: And tell me what your thoughts and opinions in the comments down below.<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: August 25th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warning: Self harm</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Niall POV:</p><p>Days passed since the photoshoot and everything have become worse. By that i meant everything. My cuts were deeper, the voices were louder, hate on twitter grew and louis have been keeping an eye on me, i hate it. </p><p>Most days I felt trapped in my own body as i stared at nothing for hours while the voices take up my brain, telling me all those horrible things.</p><p>It was currently 3 in the morning and I laid awake in my bed, unable to sleep. I'm tired. I am beyond exhausted.<br/>
Usually, i would cry and curl up in a ball until morning comes but i have no more tears left to cry. I just feel.....numb.</p><p>I laid there thinking and wishing i could get the old niall back. What went wrong? What happened to me? You might ask. I'm asking the same thing too.<br/>
Suddenly, i felt a certain urge, an urge to put the blade on my skin, an urge to punish myself. </p><p>I sat up from my bed and went into the bathroom where i turned on the light and opened the drawer. In it, there sat a blue razor. My punishment.<br/>
I grabbed it out with shaky hands and rolled up my sleeves, exposing the scars that scattered my hand.</p><p>It reminded me of how worthless i am.<br/>
How weak i am.<br/>
How much of a problem i have.<br/>
So i started.<br/>
I put the blade on my wrist and felt it slit my skin open, tearing the tissues off and releasing blood.<br/>
I cut one for being gay, one for liking a straight guy, one for being worthless, one for being a burden and lastly one for cutting.</p><p>I watched as warm red liquid poured out, making my numb body feel something. It was addicting.<br/>
I stared at it for a few more minutes, not even realizing that tears were falling down my face.</p><p>Then without my permission a sob slipped out my lips and i felt my body trumbling,my mind feeling fuzzy but suddenly i heard a knock on the door.<br/>
"Who's in here" Louis voice asked.<br/>
Shit.<br/>
Shit.<br/>
Shiiitt.<br/>
"It's niall. Give me a second lou!" I shouted back.<br/>
I got a small 'ok' back before i started cleaning myself up and the sink.My brain was barely working as i wrapped bandages around my cuts, threw the tissues away into the bin, cleaned and put my razor away.<br/>
Finally i pulled my sleeves down and opened the bathroom door to be greeted my louis.</p><p>I said a quick and awkward 'hi' while he smiled back and got in the bathroom, accidentally bumping me on the way.<br/>
"Opps. Sorry ni" he apologized.<br/>
" It's fine" i smiled back.</p><p>I went back into my bedroom as i laid back there. Pain shooting out of my arm.<br/>
I felt asleep minutes later with a thought on my mind.<br/>
<b>How many days till there's no tomorrow. </b></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I do not write this from experince so let me know if there's something i need to know about this situation and if there is something i portayed wrong.<br/>Don't worry, Louis' POV is coming soon.<br/>So let me know what you think about this chapter, i wrote this in one sitting.<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: August 27th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A Louis' POV, just like I promised(: See! I do keep my promises, unlike <i>some people</i> *glares* 18 months my arse.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis POV:</p><p>
  <i>Niall</i>
</p><p>I have been in love with that Irish leprechaun since day one. I mean, what's not to love? He's literally the definition of adorable yet hot.<br/>
I remembered the first day we met, three years ago, yet it still felt like it was yesterday.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <i>*Flash back*</i>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <i>September 4th 2010</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I walked in, hands shaking as I tried to control my breathing. Saying I was nervous was an understatement of the century. Inhale, Exhale, I reminded myself before I walked into the waiting room.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Today is the day of my audition in X-factor, today is either the day where I finally prove to  myself that I can make it or it's the day where I have to start thinking of a different career path and I am hoping for the life of me that it's the former.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I quickly shook off the thoughts and took a seat in an empty chair. I could still feel the shakiness of my arms, the pumping of the blood in my veins, the beating of my heart; I might be having a small panic attack. I closed my eyes shut and focus on my breathing. I shouldn't be this nervous, i scolded myself, i shouldn't be this nervous or i'll messed up my chances!</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Mate you okay?"I heard a thick accent asking me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>My eyes snapped open as I looked in the direction the voice came from, only to be met with a face of an angel. His eyes were as blue as the oceans and his face was painted with a tint of blush. He was adorable. He was perfect. I stared back at him, my mouth hanged slightly opened as i was lost in his beauty.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"You okay?" he asked again, pulling me out of my daydream.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I could feel the heat coming up my cheeks as i looked down, he definitely think I'm some weird creep now, i thought. "Umm, yeah I'm okay, just nervous," I replied.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Hey it's okay to be nervous. Guess what? I am too!" he exclaimed,</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Well do you feel like you're gonna faint or piss your pants any second?"I sassed back and the next thing I knew, I heard the most angelic think I've ever heard in my life, his laugh. He laughed out loud, throwing his head back and earning us a few looks from the others, but I couldn't care less. Before I knew it, I was laughing with him too.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"I guess not," he chuckled. God he's so adorable, I thought as we laughed for a few more seconds before both of us managed to composed ourselves.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Where are my manners, I'm Louis by the way." I introduced myself after the laughter died down and making me forget that I was having a panic attack.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Nice to meet you Louis I'm n-"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Suddenly we were cut off by a man, "Niall Horan, you're up next," he announced before going out of sight.  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Niall. What a beautiful name.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"That's me!" he laughed. He laughed a lot, i observed as a smile crept onto my face.</i>
</p><p>
  <i> "I'll see you around Louis!" he said before going out on stage.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"You too Niall!" i shouted back.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>*End of flashback*</i>
</p><p>I was beyond thrilled when I found out that we were put into a band together, thrilled that we were continuing our journey together and thrilled that I was going to be spending more time with him. Over the years we grew close and many fans genuinely think that we are in a relationship, some even assumed that we're married,which wasn't true. I wished it was though.<br/>
I knew why the fans assume these stuff; it was obvious that I am head over heal for this boy, a blind man can see it.<br/>
Niall's beauty was what caught my eyes at first, but his laugh,smile, personality and positivity was what make me fall for him.</p><p>However, these days, things have changed. Niall have changed.</p><p>To the public eye, he may seem the same but i noticed he wasn't. His smile looked real to anyone else but I can see that it wasn't as bright as it used to be, it seemed fake and plastered and it never reached his eyes. His bright blue eyes doesn't light up as much, from time to time I could see a ghost of it but most times it look clouded. He laugh, but it sounds forced and hollow. It was as if those little things that make niall was fading away.</p><p>I sat up from my bed,unable to sleep. It was three in the morning.<br/>
I got out of bed and walked toward the bathroom but it was locked. Who is up at three in the morning, i thought. I was about to knock when a voice stopped me from it. It was faint but audible. It sounds like someone was crying while muttering something to themselves.</p><p>"Who's in here?" I called out.</p><p>Suddenly the cries stopped and there was silence, but before I asked again, a voice answered.<br/>
"It's niall, give me a second Lou!"It was followed by sounds of cluttering,drawers opening and flushing and seconds later, the door to the bathroom opened, revealing niall. However since the hallway was dark, his figure can barely be seen.</p><p>He gave a quick 'hi' before rushing out, which resulted in me bumping into him.<br/>
"Oops, sorry Ni" i apologized.<br/>
"It's fine" he answered back before hurrying down the hallway.</p><p>I went into the bathroom and walked toward the toilet as I thought about the encounter i just had with niall. I was about to just drop it when something caught my eyes. In the trash, there stood a pile of tissues and most of it was coated by a red liquid.<br/><i>Is that blood?</i> I questioned.<br/>
I had no idea what was going on with niall but I now knew for a fact that whatever it is,</p><p><b>Niall wasn't fine.</b>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oooo louis finally found out something is wrong. Thank god lol.<br/>Don't forget to give kudos if you like it and be sure to comment your thoughts!<br/>Also, thank you to everyone that give kudos! Or read this book! I'm honored.<br/>Just like always, you can find the full story on wattpad (:<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: August 31st 2020</b>&lt;---if you're confused abt the dates, they are for when I first finished writing the chapter (on wattpad)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Valentine's day.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Niall's POV:</p>
<p>Today is Valentine's Day.<br/>I hated the day with my whole soul.<br/>It's not that I don't like love, the opposite really, i craved it, but it's depressing when you know you're not going to get any.<br/>I was always one of those people who are just a hopeless romance, one of those people who wants to go on cheesy dates and have a clique love story.</p>
<p>I used to be excited for it. I always hoped that one year Louis would ask me to be his Valentine. How stupid could i possibly get.<br/>I waited for years after years. Hoping,wishing,praying but nothing ever happened and eventually i loose hope, eventually I faced the cold hard reality of how pathetic I am for falling for my best friend.</p>
<p>We were currently on our way to an interview and I was again in the back seat, listening to music,lost in my own bubble.<br/>My playlist shuffles onto a sad love song and if the old niall would have heard it, he would be crying his heart out. However right now, I felt....numb,almost comforting.</p>
<p>I closed my eyes and imagine my happily ever after.<br/>The one with Louis in it. The one where the society wasn't so homophobic. The one where I don't get so much hate. The one where I was happy again.<br/>I want it to be the reality but i know that it just can't.<br/>I can't change society. I can't stop the hate. I can't make my straight best friend gay and I don't deserve to be happy.<br/>I signed as I took out my headphones, since we've arrived at our destination.</p>
<p>Flashes and questions greeted us. People were shouting our names and some even pushing us, but I muffled all of it out, hanged my head low and followed the boys toward the building.<br/>As i went pass the boys to take a seat at the reception, I didn't even bothered to smile or act happy as I was too tired, emotionally and physically.We waited for a good 5 minutes before a lady called us in. <br/>I stood up from my chair, not ready to fake a smile for the camera. Suddenly a hand tapped my arm.</p>
<p>"Niall. Can you come to my dressing room after the interview?"Louis asked.<br/><i>Wait what?</i><br/>"I need to tell you something," he added when he saw the confusion on my face and all i could do was nod.<br/>He smiled at me and followed the rest of the boys, leaving me confused.</p>
<p>What is he gonna tell me?<br/>----------------<br/>After the interview I headed toward Louis's dressing room.My hands were shaking and my brain was overloading with the amount of thoughts that was running in my head.<br/>It's probably nothing, I told myself.<br/>But what if it is? I argued back. <br/>What if he found out I like him? <br/>What if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore? <br/>Or what if he want to ask me to be his Valentine?</p>
<p>"Shut up" i whispered and blocked out my last thought, I can't get my hopes up. <br/><i>Get your shit together Horan. </i><br/>Finally, I took a deep breath and opened the door and-<br/>I could feel my heart shattered into pieces. I felt my throat go dry and felt tears built up in my eyes.</p>
<p>I don't know what i was expecting, but nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next.<br/>Because there, stood Louis.......<br/>and on top of him sat a girl, who I identified as the interviewer, kissing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>DUN DUN DUNNNN!!! What is Louis doing?<br/>How are you enjoying the story so far? That's all the chapters I'm going to update for today because I do want you guys to have that experience, idk it's probably stupid but eh. However, I won't keep you guys waiting for long. Anyway,I hope you like this chapter and like always, don't forget to give kudos if you do(; Also leave comments!<br/>Loads of love, MirrorXX)<br/><b>Date written: September 6th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis POV:</p>
<p>Throughout the interview I was lost in my own thoughts. I was excited,nervous and scared shit less. In less than an hour I was going to do something that I've wanted for a long time, something I wanted since I'd first laid eyes on a certain pairs of blue orbs; however I was scared, scared that he won't return the feeling, scared that our friendship would be ruined, scared that I would loose him, but not today. Today I'm going to take my chances, build up my courage and take the risk.</p>
<p>
  <i>I'm going to ask Niall to be my Valentine.</i>
</p>
<p>The thought itself of him being mine put a smile on my face , warms my heart and make it do a small happy dance. However the interview felt like forever, seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours. I'd tried to pay attention but my mind went back to my plan every second. </p>
<p>
  <i>Do I have the roses ready? Yes</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Do I bring my suit? Yes</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Do I remember my speech? Yes</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Am I gonna cry later on if Niall say no? Yes</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Am I- </i>
</p>
<p>"Louis, she's asking" harry's voice pulled me out of my thoughts as I realized that I had no idea what she just asked. I felt my cheeks burned in embarrassment. Good job Tomlinson, I thought. I chuckled,which came out very awkward, to hide the growing feeling of wanting to dig a hole in the ground and hide in it.</p>
<p>"Umm sorry, what was your question?" I asked at last. The crowd erupted in laughter and the interview went on.</p>
<p>-------------------</p>
<p>Once the interview was done, I quickly sprinted into my dressing room to change into my suit before Niall came.I'd picked out a blue Gucci suit with harry's help and stole one of Zayn's perfume for the occasion. Suddenly,as I was combing my hair, I heard a knock on the door. </p>
<p>"Niall", I breathed out.</p>
<p>I took a last look at my appearance before picking my bouquet of roses wrapped in ocean blue cloth, just like his eyes. My heart was beating so fast I wondered how it was still in my rib cage, my hands were sweating and my breaths were uneven. </p>
<p>"Get your shit together Tomlinson", I muttered to myself, I can't afford to have a panic attack and ruined my weeks of planning. It's now or never, I reminded myself as I swung the door open, expecting to see blue eyes and blond hair and that's what I saw.                                     <br/>But it wasn't who I was expecting.</p>
<p>"Umm hello", I started, "May I help you?" I questioned.</p>
<p>What was the interviewer doing here? What does she want? I thought to myself. I waited for her to answer but instead met with silence, I then noticed that she was staring at me as if she doesn't heard what I said.</p>
<p>"Excuse me? Can I help you?" I asked while snapping my fingers in front of her, pulling her out of whatever she was in. To say that I was annoyed would be an understatement. What was she doing here? Niall could be here any minute.</p>
<p>"Oh, right Mr Tomlinson, may I come in?" she finally spoke and before I could answer, she let herself in. My hands clutched the bouquet as I tried to keep my anger in.</p>
<p>"Can I help you?" I asked for the third time, my posture stiff and annoyed. <br/>She turned toward me...<i>smirking.</i></p>
<p>"Actually, yes you can" she replied, as she bite her lips and played with her hair.<br/>"You know, today is Valentine day" she said while she adjusted the straps on her tight black dress, her chest unnaturally sticking out as she walked towards me.<br/>"Yes, I'm aware" I replied, my eyebrows furrowed and my face confused.<br/>What does she want? </p>
<p>"I'm sorry, is there anything I can hel-"</p>
<p>The next few seconds went in a blur. Before I could finish my question she pushed me onto a chair, climbed on top of me and crashed her lip glossed filled lips on mine, while at the exact moment the door was swung open.I heard a loud gasp escaped from their mouth before they ran away.<br/>My eyes went wide as I pushed her off, but I was too late,niall saw it.</p>
<p>"SHIT!" I shouted in anger while I glared at the interviewer, "You're talking to my lawyer later," I spat out before I ran out of the room, to stop niall, to explain to him about the situation, to make up for it, to tell him how i feel, to do ANYTHING at the moment.</p>
<p>But he was gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wonder what the interviewer's name will be. Got any ideas?<br/>Tell me what you think about this chapter. If you like it, please don't forget to give kudos or comment, it really do make my day. I'd love to know abt your thoughts on the story(: Also, a MASSIVE thank you to all the people that read,give kudos or comment on my last chapters. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! *blow kisses* *hugs*<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: September 27th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warning: Self harm</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Buckle up, we're going on a ride.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Third person POV:</p>
<p>The sky was bright blue and the sun was dancing in the sky. People chattered and laughed in the day light. Every street in the city was filled with energy and life. Love floats around in the air on the day of Valentine. </p>
<p>Everyone was happy, every person have a smile. The dull clouds have been gone on the day of Valentine. Kisses were shared, affection was shown, some couples were born, some were drifted apart but not shown. For today is the day of Valentine and things were great, lovers meet for the first time and fulfill their fate.</p>
<p>Or so we thought.</p>
<p>Somewhere in the backseat of a car, a heart was hurt, glazed with misunderstanding,mistreatment and thrown down to dirt. His heart was broken, abused and thorn. Quiet sobs escaped his lips as he mourn. Mourn for his body and what he was going to do, when the taxi arrived at the destination of doom.</p>
<p>His eyes were red and puffy and his face was gloom as he handed the driver a note or two, while the driver gave back a sympathetic look to the boy with eyes of blue. </p>
<p>He finally opened the door with shaky hands, then walked toward the bathroom to meet his friend, or foe you could call, since it was the razor. The razor that have helped him to release his pain, who was the only one that was there for him......or so he thought; because without him knowing, it was his enemy for it drag him to a pit of self pity. Self pity and hatred for none other then himself,as he yanked the drawer open and took the sharp object in his hand.</p>
<p>He rolled up his selves and noticed his arms were trembling, begging for him to stop hurting them; but he didn't hear their screams as he put the razor near a spot, a spot in his arms that wasn't covered with scars; he cut near his wrist without knowing it, due to his clouded eyes with tears of hatred and pain.   </p>
<p>He watched the blood dripped down his arms, making him feel more then a broken heart. His hands were hurting and screaming for help but he couldn't care less and cut himself again. Sobs escape his body and pain was released while his thoughts punished him and drag him away from peace.</p>
<p>
  <i>Ugly.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Fat.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Stupid.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Unlovable.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>You deserve this.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Why are you still here?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>No one wants you!</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>No one cares!</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>You don't deserve love.</i>
</p>
<p>"No, stop, stop!" he begged but the voices ignored his whimpers and continued until he put the blade on his wrist again.</p>
<p>This time, instead of pain he felt numb, but he didn't cared and proceed to cut deeper. When suddenly he heard knocking on the front door followed by noises of keys to open it. </p>
<p>"Fuck" he whispered and put down the razor to clean himself before the person enters. He took out the tissues, then put it on his wounds and waited for the bleeding to stop before he continued.<br/>But it wasn't stopping. It kept going when suddenly his vision started to spin and without warning he started to feel light headed.</p>
<p>"Shit!" he shouted as his panic rises up. He made a mistake, he cut too deep, he's going to die.</p>
<p>In the exact moment the bathroom door was swung open and there stood Louis, his hair was a mess, he looked like he was crying and he looked tired but the moment he saw niall, his eyes went wide and all his past thoughts were forgotten.<br/>However niall didn't comprehend who the person was at the door for his head was clouded by the amount of blood loss. The one thing he managed to say before darkness took over was,</p>
<p>"Help me, please"</p>
<p>and it was over.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ooo a cliffhanger. Is niall going to survive? Or not?</p>
<p>Anyways, I am really proud of this chapter and if you didn't noticed the first half of it was kind of like a poem and let me tell you, I love it! Also this chapter is written in third person because I want to kind of played with the POVs  a bit so I'm not sure if the next chapter is going to be in third or first person. What do you prefer?</p>
<p>I honestly hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! Tell me what you think! Just as always, please leave kudos or comments if you enjoy it!<br/>And THANK YOU so much to everyone single one of you that read, give kudos or leave a comment on this story! I love you all so much❤️❤️<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: October 4th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The ride begins...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis POV:</p><p>The room was consumed with white. The white chairs attached to the walls,the white uniforms worn by nurses and the white tiles that seem too bright and calm saturated against the people in the waiting room.<br/>
I sat there on the cold surface without registering anything that was going on around me; cries of babies, frantic shouts and movements of the staff, tears and sobs of the ones who lost their love ones went unnoticed as I stared at nothing.</p><p>I felt nothing. My heart stopped aching after it got ripped apart for the past few hours. My face was stained with tear tracks yet no tears were falling, I have no more tears left to cry. Nothing felt real but it was. It was a nightmare that I can't wake up from. It was something called reality.</p><p>I remembered feeling my soul left my body when I saw Niall. When I saw my beautiful blond boy with blood running down his arms, staining his white shirt and trembling from head to toe, however the worst thing out of all this were his eyes. His blue eyes that once held so much happiness for the whole population look broken beyond repair.</p><p>I remembered his voice so soft and vulnerable pleading help for the last time before his body went limp, hitting the bathroom floor. I remembered running toward him as if my life depends on it. I remembered screaming my lungs out for help while I cradled his small figure in my arms as sobs after sobs escaped. His blood painted on my shaky hands as I tired desperately to stop the blood from flowing out.I looked at his face that was as white as a ghost, his usually pink lips drained in color and lashes fluttered closed.</p><p>I remembered the ear piercing sound and the red and blue lights of the ambulance, seconds before they rushed in to take him away from me, putting him away on a table. I remembered begging them to save him while my body ragged and ached with more sobs.<br/>
I remembered someone holding me back as I tried to stay beside niall.<br/>
I remembered screaming in so much pain, that my heart can barely handle,when the ambulance drove away,taking him with it. </p><p>I remembered getting in the car to go to the hospital, taking a path down the long endless highway.<br/>
I remembered the image of him lying in my arms as his silence stabbed and twist a knife in my heart.</p><p>I remembered helplessly praying for him to be okay, for all of this to be a stupid dream, hoping with all my soul that god would answer my prayers.<br/>
I remembered seeing the hospital lights drew nearer as we arrived at our destination.<br/>
I remembered bolting out towards the waiting room the moment the car came to a stop.</p><p>Then,<br/>
I remembered loosing myself to my own thoughts.</p><p><i>Please be okay.<br/>
It's all my fault.<br/>
How could I be so stupid!<br/>
This can't be the last time I see your beautiful ocean eyes.<br/>
Come on Niall, wake up.<br/>
I want to hear your laugh niall.<br/>
I can't live without you.<br/>
Niall, babe, please come back to me.<br/>
Please.<br/>
I'm sorry</i><br/>
"Louis"<br/>
<i>Who's that?<br/>
Wait, that's me.<br/>
That's my name.<br/>
But who's calling.<br/>
Niall?</i></p><p>Suddenly I felt my body being shaked, dragging me out of my own world. My eyes glazed with confusion to who,what, when, where and why it's happening.<br/>
"Louis" the voice spoke again.</p><p>It was harry.<br/>
I looked back at him with a questioning look to why he was calling me, then everything came rushing back.<br/>
All the guilt, all the sadness, all the anger writes itself on my face as my senses became active once again.</p><p>"A nurse informs us that the doctor is going to come soon to talk about Niall," he spoke.</p><p>His voice was soft yet cracking from crying. His emerald eyes held many emotions that seems overloaded,while his face was mirroring the mess we were in.<br/>
All I could managed was an "ok", even that single word seems to drained me mentally.</p><p>Minutes later, as told, the doctor walked toward us with a clipboard in hand and an expression none of us can read.</p><p>
  <i>Tap..</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tap...</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tap....</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tap.....</i>
</p><p>"Who's here for Niall Horan?" he finally asked.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This story can either go two ways. I'm deciding on which way to go.<br/>So niall is hanging on if he should be alive or not.<br/>I'm usually not evil but who knows, I'm not sure what i should do yet. Muahahah</p><p>ANYWAYS, i am quite proud of this chapter. It's a bit longer than the past few chapters but eh.<br/>Thank you to everyone who read, give kudos, or commented on this story. I'm honored (: but seriously though thank you! Every single one of it means so much to me.<br/>As always, hope you enjoy this chapter, please give kudos if you do enjoy it and tell me what you think.<br/>Loads of love,Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: October 13th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Click <a href="https://pin.it/5BBN6Ai">here</a> for an image to visualize while reading this chapter. It's not the exact same ,since I've mixed it with my own imagination, but it's just for you to get an idea.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Niall POV:</p>
<p>He lay face down, listening to the silence. He was perfectly alone. Nobody was watching, nobody else was there. He was not perfectly sure he was there himself. </p>
<p>A long time later, or maybe no time at all, he came to the conclusion that he exist. That he was alive? No. He can't be, he thought but he wasn't gone either. He was just....there, because he was lying, definitely lying, on a surface. Therefore, he have a sense of touch, and the thing against where he laid existed too.</p>
<p>He felt like his body wasn't his. He felt like he's a soul that was shaped as a body but the body wasn't physically there. He wondered if he could see, wondered if he could open his eyes to look at something real but does real exist in where he is now? His question was soon answered as his lashes slowly fluttered open and his iris rolled back to the front of his pupil.</p>
<p>He lay in a bright room. No. It isn't a room since he cannot see the corners of it.It almost seems like it was mist that was surrounding him. However it's not as if his surrounding were hidden by cloudy vapor,but rather the cloudy vapor had not yet formed into surrounding. </p>
<p>He sat up. His body appeared to be in one peace, functioning but not, because eventhough he's moving, he couldn't feel the blood flowing through his body or the rise and fall of his chest nor the drumming of his pulse near his earlobes from when he was alive. Again he seem to be just...there, just existing and nothing else.</p>
<p>He studied his surrounding again and saw that he was indeed standing on a surface. It wasn't a ground, or wood or a tile; it was a surface but just that. His brain, that is if he have one, is not comprehending about anything. He don't know where he is, he don't know what he is in, he don't know how long he's been here (it seem as if time doesn't exist) and he doesn't even know who he is, no scratch that, he know he is Niall James Horan, he can remember his life, he can remember all the people in his life, he can remember the feelings and thoughts he had for them and for himself however he can not remember how he got here or who he is suppose to be. Is he still niall? Or is he someone else? Or is he no one at all?</p>
<p>He shook his head, surprisingly yes he still have all body parts, and ordered his legs to move forward, or at least what he thought was forward. </p>
<p>He kept walking, and walking toward the mist but he doesn't seem to be arriving anywhere. The mist seems close but at the same moment, so far. It's as if the moment he took a step forward, his destination seem to go two steps backwards.</p>
<p>But suddenly, he was in the mist.</p>
<p>It was not damp, like a normal fog or mist. It was not cold, yet not warm either. It felt to him like he was walking into nothing. The place he was walking into was a pale nothingness, like a blank sheet of paper. It had no temperature, no smell, no texture and no taste.</p>
<p>Am I dreaming? he questioned himself </p>
<p>"No, you are not" it answered. His head snapped toward the voice.</p>
<p>Through the mist, a figure came forward. They were wearing a long silky white robe and their face holds an expression of nothing but calmness. They had a small but genuine smile on their face as they walked toward him.</p>
<p>His voice caught in his throat by their beauty. It's not because he was attracted to them but rather he was appreciating them. They radiates an energy of pure light but he could tell that they weren't innocent nor inexperience. They were simply pure.</p>
<p>"Who are you?" he asked at last.</p>
<p>"I am everything here, I am no one, I am death," they answered.</p>
<p>Death? So is this place death? he thought</p>
<p>"Yes and no." they answered, starling him out of his thoughts, "This is not a place, this is death. "</p>
<p>Without warning all the memories before he arrived came rushing back. All the pain he felt, physically and mentally, all the voices in his head telling him to put the blade on his skin, the regret he felt when the blood wouldn't stop following.<br/>
He didn't mean to-<br/>
Is he-<br/>
He can't be-<br/>
"Am I- Am I dead?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm sorry that these last few chapters have been ending with one cliffhanger after another but as a writer, it's fun writing it, though being a reader would be a different story. Hehe.</p>
<p>Ngl i am really proud of this chapter and if you couldn't tell some of the writing and quotes from this chapter are inspired by Harry Potter and the deathly hallows and Coraline (the novel). </p>
<p>Tell me what you think for this chapter, I would love to hear it! And don't forget to give kudos if u enjoy it!</p>
<p>As always, thank you for everyone who read, give kudos or commented! Just thank you!!</p>
<p>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: October 20th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis POV:</p>
<p>
  <i>"Is he alive? Is he okay?Is he going to alright" <br/>"Yes Mr Tomlinson he is alive, however he's in a coma..."</i>
</p>
<p>It's been an hour since the new information had been added into his head. It's been an hour since Louis felt as if his world was flipped inside out. It's been an hour since the self hatred and guilt came  back, bigger and stronger, swallowing him whole. It's been an hour, yet it felt like years. It's been an hour yet the same word kept repeating in his head.</p>
<p>
  <i>Coma.</i>
</p>
<p>That one word was all it need for him to break down.<br/>That was all he heard before he darted away to wherever his feet would take him. Not hearing the shout and screams of his names from his friends and family.</p>
<p>One word was all he needed to loose his senses.<br/>Niall was in a coma and there was nothing he could do about it.<br/>Coma, a prolonged state of deep unconsciousness caused especially by severe injury or illness, something he thought his love ones would never experience, especially Niall.</p>
<p>Niall in a coma doesn't make sense. He can't be, the universe simply can't punish such a kind soul. </p>
<p>His breath was uneven. His chest was falling more than rising. He wheezes and sobs escaped his cracked lips but no tears fell. They were simply gone. His legs gave away as he fell to the ground in the corner of empty corridor.<br/>With his back on the cold tiled wall, he wrapped himself in a fetal position, rocking himself back and forward. He felt as if he's a grande ready to explode as he tried desperately to hold himself together. </p>
<p>He felt the familiar burn in his chest as it contracts to give out the oxygen it's lacking. He felt the familiar hole in his heart where it felt empty. He felt the familiar thoughts in his head telling him how useless and stupid he is. He felt the feeling of deja vu as he relapsed back to old patterns.</p>
<p>He felt his consciousness fading away as he enters a gateway to his nightmares, a dark closted room where each voices have their own faces, each smile hides a devil inside and where, no matter how loud he screams or shout, no one was there to help him.</p>
<p>It was just him,himself and his mind.</p>
<p>However this time his fate differs as he jumped off the sinking ship instead of going down with it.</p>
<p>Instead of drowning in his own mind space of personal hell, this time, a voice fought back against the whispers from his devils in a war against himself.</p>
<p>
  <i>"This is all your fault, you should never be forgiven." they started.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"So stupid and useless."</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"You could have save him"</i>
</p>
<p>
  <b>"You still can."</b>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"No you can't, you will mess it up...again, that's what you always do."</i>
</p>
<p>
  <b>"At least it's better than doing nothing, be strong for him."</b>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"As if you can, useless and weak."</i>
</p>
<p>
  <b>"Crying won't do any good, feeling regret isn't going to do any good. Wipe your tears, he need you."</b>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"No he doesn't."</i>
</p>
<p>
  <b>"He does. The least you can do is be strong for him, be there for him."</b>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"You will just make things worse."</i>
</p>
<p>
  <b>"What can be worse than this? Death? Or the regret that will eat you alive if you weren't there for him before it happens?  Come on, what have you got to loose?"</b>
</p>
<p>"You're right," he finally said.</p>
<p>The voices got quieter until they slowly faded away. His breathing came back to normal and he finally feels like someone was not suffocating him. He felt like he was out of the ocean and back onto his land.</p>
<p>"You're right, I need to be strong." he finally whispers to himself, "for Niall."</p>
<p>Then a bright light was show as it guides him back of to his reality.</p>
<p>He's going to be there for niall. Niall is going to be alright.</p>
<p>
  <i>Or so he thought.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know you guys hate me for all these cliff hangers but I just can't help it! The next chapter might me a bit more chaotic then this? Who knows?</p>
<p>I don't know if it's normal for ppl to be hearing voices like Louis and Niall (i mean i do talk to my self alot..) but i'll just blame it on the traumatic situation they're in right now.</p>
<p>This story have been taking a different turn then what I originally planned it to sooo that's that.</p>
<p>Also i hope you'll are okay with all these mind spaces and different stuff that's happening in both Louis and Niall's minds , rather than just this reality. I hope u guys are not confused, and if u are, feel free to ask me (:</p>
<p>As always, thank you for everyone who give kudos, commented or simply viewed this story. Love you all. I feel like this isn't my best chapter and I feel this is more a filler chapter before all the stuff. So yeah, I really hope my writer block clear away when I write it cause let me tell you, that shit is a bitch! Anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter! Let me know what you think, I love to hear it. </p>
<p>Loads of love, MirrorXX)<br/><b>Date written: October 29th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warning: Mention of death, suicidal/depressing thoughts</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Niall POV:</p>
<p>Niall was always a carefree person, even as a kid he have also been a ball of energy among the others. He would be wide awake whenever there was a nap time yet still have more energy then others when it was time to play. He had always been the person that live life to the fullest,that was until he was 12, where he encounter his first blink of death.</p>
<p>It was a Monday morning, he remembered vividly, he was walking to school with his new pair of boots and a backpack as heavy as himself. His childhood best friend, Stuart, was by his side as they walked to their destination. </p>
<p>It was the start of spring and breezy air nipples on their cheeks as the grave of fallen leaves scattered on the ground. You could hear the snaps and crackle underneath the feet of the two boys chatting happily. You could feel the energy blazing out of them as they messed around on the side of the road. Nothing was out of place, everything was fine, until suddenly it wasn't.</p>
<p>Niall was laughing his heart out as he teased Stuart about his crush; this lead to a playful bickering between the two.It went on for about 5 minutes before niall accidentally shoved Stuart side which resulted to a battle of pushing each other. No one was suppose to get hurt, it was suppose me a harmless joke between the two best friend but fate wasn't on their side. </p>
<p>They were lost in their own world, their own little bubble that they didn't noticed the motorbike rounding up a corner to the street they were on. They were lost in their own little game that seems to become more violent as it went on, each push becoming stronger than the other and each laugh becoming more forced than genuine, until Niall pushed him a little to hard, causing the other to stumble into a pile of leaves. </p>
<p>Stuart was never the one to control his anger and niall knew that, but before he could apologize Stuart returned the favor, pushing him just as hard, making him stumble onto the open road.</p>
<p>Everything happened in a matter of seconds. One second they were playing around and the next, niall was met with a loud horn and shouts from him best friend, signaling his body to move out of the way but he wasn't fast enough.Instead, he was met with a gigantic force from the back.</p>
<p>All he remembered after that was hearing the cracks of his bones and seeing nothing but red, he remembered nothing but feeling so much pain, thinking to himself that he was going to die, before darkness grant him a favor but he was fine after that. He remembered waking up in a hospital bed and everything was fine afterwards, he was happy.</p>
<p>However, though he was physically healed in a matter of a month or so, a scar was left on him mentally. Since then, he hated any mention of hospitals and since then he was scared of death itself.</p>
<p>Even when he grew up, the fear never left, as a matter of fact it grew. He would cut, yes. He would hate himself, yes. He would wish he never existed,yes, but is he scare of death? yes. He always thought it was stupid, wanting nothing to do with being alive but fear death. He hated forcing himself to wake up yet he feared the thought of never waking up again.</p>
<p>Now he's here. In this place. This isn't even a place. This is death?</p>
<p>"Am I- Am I dead?" he chocked out. There was silence for what felt like years while niall stood terrified of the answer he was going to received when finally they spoke, their voice soft yet a hint of coldness in it sent shivers down his spine.</p>
<p>"Now that is a question that matters on you but on the whole, dear boy, you are not."</p>
<p>"Not?" repeated niall.</p>
<p>"Not," they said.</p>
<p>"But you said this is death," niall questioned.</p>
<p>"Yes I did. This is death but you are not dead, yet." they replied but before niall could question again they raise their hand, indicating that they're not done, before continuing, "Not many have this choice but you are what people would call 'on the brink of death', it's your choice whether you want to take my hand or go back."</p>
<p>They waited patiently as niall tried to process what had been said. </p>
<p>Niall was on the brink of death? It's HIS choice? In given situation anyone would have choose to go back and live their life. His instant thought was to go back and fix things,it was only reasonable isn't it? His fear was standing right in front of him and he have the choice to turn away from it but he found himself stopping before he could get the words out of his mouth.</p>
<p>He thought of his family, his friends and his life. He thought of every mistake he have make, every friend he lost contact with, every moment that ended on a bad note, every pain and tears that were shed because of him. </p>
<p>Maybe the world would be better without him. Maybe his friends and family would be happier without him. Maybe the band would be more successful without him and maybe the boys would finally be free from him. Maybe he will finally be free from himself.</p>
<p>He thought of how useless he felt, he thought of the pain he caused to himself, he thought of the people he had hurt or will hurt. He thought of every blade put on his skin, he thought of every hate and opinions people had about him. He would finally be free.</p>
<p>He had always been scared of death, scared of the uncertainty that comes with death. But Niall was just so tired. He don't want to fight another day, live through another sunrise just to pretend again. His mask that he plastered on everyday have been cracked, the walls he built had fallen down and the dam he designed to hid his emotions had failed. Now everything is falling apart and he don't know if he's going to be able to fix it, or rather he don't know if he wants to anymore.</p>
<p>He was scared of death but maybe his unwillingness to live might outweighs it. What's the point of living,he thought,when all he can do is struggle to survive? What or rather who do he have got to live for? A small part of his mind was trying to find reasons to not give up.</p>
<p>As depressing as it sounds, his mind drew blank.</p>
<p>He thought of an escape reaching out for him and he thought about considering it,then he thought of Louis and his emotions harden. He knew what he thought was best for him, for Louis.</p>
<p>He made a decision. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter wasn't as chaotic as I thought it would be so...oops?</p>
<p>Anyway, Hope you enjoy this chapter, new chapter's gonna be up tomorrow I think. If u enjoy this then give kudos? I really appreciate everyone who gave them,read and/or commented on this story.</p>
<p>P.S Some of the lines are inspired by harry potter and some from a Larry fanfic that I have read(:<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: November 9th 2020</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A calm....before the storm</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis POV:</p>
<p>A soft rhythmic beeping sound passed through my ears as my consciousness slowly roses back up to the surface. A yawn escapes my mouth as I shifted to get into a more comfortable position.</p>
<p>Only then did I realize that I wasn't in my bed but rather sitting on a chair with my head on something, or somone. A soft groan escape my lips as I felt a headache drumming at my skull. </p>
<p>
  <i>Where am I again? </i>
</p>
<p>My thoughts were cut short as the beeping noise filled my ear drums while a strong smell of medicine and bleach cramped my nostrils.</p>
<p>I forced my eyes to open as the reality hits me like a bus on a highway.</p>
<p>The reality where niall was laying on a hospital bed infront of me, as white as paper and as pale as ghost. He had wires hung into every part of his body, a heart monitor monitoring his heartbeats and a oxygen mask covering his button nose. His platinum hair illuminating his features while his once bright blue eyes hidden from the world.</p>
<p>Unwanted tears filled my eyes as I held my whole world, connecting his hand with mine, and watched as they fits together like missing pieces of a puzzle</p>
<p><i>We'll be alright.</i><br/>I told myself</p>
<p><i>We'll be alright? </i><br/>I questioned myself.</p>
<p><i>He'll be alright?</i><br/>Right?</p>
<p>I asked myself as i stared back at my angel. I watched as his chest rise then falls. I listened to the beeps of his heart rate and watched as the small waves formed regularly on the screen. It was improving, I thought to myself, as a small smile spread across my face.<br/>"We'll be alright" I whispered.</p>
<p>I was wrong.</p>
<p>My smile was turned upside down when I watched as his chest rises, then falls....then suddenly it stopped. I glanced back at the screen and saw the waves becoming smaller and smaller till there was none. The device screamed an ear piercing beep as I snapped my eyes back on him and waited.</p>
<p>Time stopped as I waited. I waited for his chest to rise up. I waited for another oscillation on the screen, another wave, another breath, another heart beat.<br/>I stared, unable to move.</p>
<p>I waited.<br/>And waited.<br/>Praying to god, to a savior, to anyone who would listen.Begging for any signs, any signs that he's alive.</p>
<p><i>One second.</i><br/>His chest laid still.</p>
<p><i>Two seconds.</i><br/>The line stay flat.</p>
<p><i>Three seconds.</i><br/>No. No. This can't be it. He's not-</p>
<p>I heard the door flew open as footsteps filled the room. I was vaguely aware of noises, frantic shouting and beeps, but they held no meaning to me, it was as if I was listening to the echoes from the depth of the deepest oceans.</p>
<p>I was aware of movement and my hands being removed from Niall but my mind refused to register it.<br/>Had Niall gone? Had he left me? Part of my mind knew that I was being moved aside but I couldn't understand how or why as I continued to stare into blank space.</p>
<p>I saw Niall' body shot up as electricity passes through, that was when everything started to clicked together. <br/>Niall was-<br/>No. No. He can't be. My body parts jolted back under my command as panic rises.</p>
<p>"Niall, NIALL!" I started to screamed as I ran toward him, but two pairs of strong arms wrapped my waist and restrained me from getting to him. "LET ME GO! LET ME....NIALL!" I kicked and screamed as I struggled to break free while tears streamed down my face, but whoever was holding me back was stronger than I was and I collapsed against their arms.</p>
<p>Memories flooded through my head, all the happy moments, all the signs, all the time I could have helped him. How could I be so stupid? How didn't I see it sooner? It was so damn obvious how did I missed it?<br/>My niall. My angel. My everything is dying.</p>
<p>I heard the doctors shouting orders to the nurses. I saw them shocked him and I watched as his body jolts with electricity, then went still again.</p>
<p>Shouts, orders, and directions were thrown at while they tried to find anything to bring him back but nothing. I stood there shocked. This can't be happening!They pulled him in, one last time, to feel his heartbeat.</p>
<p>Suddenly, they all stood back.<br/>It was my worse nightmare coming to live. My worst fear came true. No matter how many times I convinced myself to be prepared, nothing could ever prepared me. </p>
<p>"Not responsive-" I felt air getting sucked out of my lungs. I felt color on my face drained. He's gone. I felt the blood in my whole body stops. I saw the doctor remove his mask,his lips moved as I heard those four words left his mouth.</p>
<p>"Record time of death."</p>
<p>
  <b>to be continued....</b>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm sorry.</p>
<p>Please do give kudos and comment love.I'll post the next chapter tomorrow. Don't hate me please.<br/>Thank you to everyone that viewed, give kudos and/or commented.<br/>Loads of love, Mirror <br/><b>Date written: Nov 17th 2020 </b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Suicide doesn't end the pain,it just passes it onto someone else.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis POV:</p>
<p>Hope.</p>
<p>A simple word that was consider positive could surprisingly be someone's worst nightmare. Louis had hope that niall would be okay when he first saw the signs. Louis had hope that niall would be okay when he ran after him.Louis had hope that niall would be fine when the ambulance took him away. Louis had hope that niall would recover when he first saw niall in the hospital bed and he had hope that niall would wake up when electricity passes through his body to revive him. Though at the time it was small, there was still hope.</p>
<p>Yet it's a dreadful word, because what came right after hope was disappointment. The reality result confirming to you that the hope you had was just a daydream and that it can never come to life. It was all in your head. It's the feeling that can reach your core and rot you from inside, slowly eating you until you can never see the light. <br/>He felt it in his heart as it broke apart, thrown out from his chest and stomped it 28 feet underground.</p>
<p>His everything was gone. Niall was dead. He wanted to scream and cry till his heart rips out and death takes him with niall but he couldn't. Right now his body wasn't responsive. Just seconds ago his heart seems to be beating at the speed of light but no, now it simply stopped. He felt like he was lucid dreaming but it was reality. Everything stops to him for what felt like an eternity when it was only seconds.</p>
<p>But he was still clinging on the thread of hope as if his life depended on it, and in a way it does. There was still hope, he told himself as he saw the doctors thrown instructions to bring niall back. There was still hope, he told himself when they stepped back. There was still hope, he shouted to himself as the doctor remove his mask. There was still hope.</p>
<p>Then the words were said.<i><b>"Record time of death"</b></i></p>
<p>Everything inside him broke. No matter how much the words twist into his heart like a dagger, he wouldn't listen. He felt the arms holding him lost their grip, then he heard a followed thud and a loud sob from behind but he couldn't care less as he pushed past and took niall's hand in his.</p>
<p>Niall's face was pale, his body held no sign of life. His lips were parted and a hint of blue was creeping up. Yet he look beautiful. </p>
<p>"NIALL PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP!NIALL PLEASE LISTEN AND COME BACK TO ME PLEASE! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! It's me,louis! I promise it's me! I love you niall! I should have told you but I was too much of a coward, please niall give me a chance, I love you. You told me that you want a happy ending right? Niall you need to wake up to have it silly.I loved you since the day we met and I love you with everything inside of me! Who will i love when you're gone! I want to love you and only you! Please niall! I promise on my life that things will get better! Do you trust me niall? If you do then trust me on this and wake up please! I swear to love you all my life, PLEASE NIALL!" he put his head on his cheat as sobs wrecked his body. There was no hope. This was it.</p>
<p>His voice was quiet while he gave out "Niall please come back to me. I love you," he whispered so desperately, not knowing that a certain lover heard it.  </p>
<p>--------</p>
<p>Niall POV: </p>
<p>"I'm not going back" I spoke.</p>
<p>This was it. There was no going back. The world would be better without me. It's better this way. It's better for Louis. He would finally be free from me, he would finally find a girl (or even a guy) to love without someone being so jealous of them. A sad smile wrote itself on my face as I made my decision.</p>
<p>I looked up at death staring back. Their face showed no signs of emotions, it was calm and collected. No signs that was encouraging me to join them or not. They nod their head as they motioned for me to followed them.<br/>And so I did. </p>
<p>I ordered my legs to move as I walked behind them. Their steps were so elegant and soft that it looked like they were floating, yet they were moving in quite a quick pace.<br/>They moved toward the "mist" until they went inside it. I followed behind as closely as I can and went inside the vapor of nothing.</p>
<p>Each step I took I felt more and more disconnected to my body and with each steps i felt more and more weightless.</p>
<p>Finally they halted to a stop and turned sideways revealing me to a tunnel. The tunnel looked never ending but I could made out a small hint of light at the end of it. I waited for them to move into it but they just stood there and waited for me, until moments later, they spoke again.</p>
<p>"This is your last chance to go back. Once you stepped inside this tunnel your memories from this life will be erased and your afterlife awaits."</p>
<p>So this is the end. I never thought it would come so soon but this was it. There's nothing left for me anymore. I turned my head back to the tunnel and close my eyes.<br/>I felt my legs being lift up and reaching out inside.<br/>But before it could land...I heard it.</p>
<p>A voice was calling out. No. It was screaming. I quickly took a step back and snapped my eyes open. There was this familiarity to it; it's almost recognizable yet I don't know who it belongs to.</p>
<p><i><b>"NIALL!"</b></i> it calls out again. I turned my head towards it but it was coming from everywhere. The voice felt like an echo, barely noticeable.</p>
<p>Curiosity got the best of me as I took another step back and concentrated on the voice.</p>
<p><i><b>"NIALL PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP! NIALL PLEASE LISTEN AND COME BACK TO ME PLEASE! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!"</b></i> <br/>What? No that's not true. Whoever it was, was lying. It can't be true, it can't! I can't be that special to someone for them to say that they can't live without me.</p>
<p><i><b>"It's me, louis! I promise it's me! I love you niall!"</b></i><br/>My eyes widen."Louis?" I whispered back. No this can't be happening. Louis never loves me. He's lying, he have to be.</p>
<p>My brain was denying it, it was screaming for me to go into the tunnel and telling me that this was all a lie, a set up.<br/>But a small part of me wants to believe that this was true. I wants to believe that I have some reasons to go back. So i listened.<br/>I listened to him, waiting for his next words to come.</p>
<p><i><b>"I should have told you but I was too much of a coward, please niall give me a chance, I love you."</b></i><br/>He love me?</p>
<p><i><b>"You told me that you want a happy ending right?"</b></i><br/> Yes, but it will never happen.</p>
<p><i><b>"Niall you need to wake up to have it silly.I loved you since the day we met and I love you with everything inside of me! Who will i love when you're gone! I want to love you and only you!"</b></i><br/>No. You're lying.Stop.</p>
<p><i><b>"Please niall! I promise on my life that things will get better!"</b></i><br/>How would you know? You don't know that.</p>
<p><i><b>"Do you trust me niall? If you do then trust me on this and wake up please! I swear to love you all my life, PLEASE NIALL!"</b></i><br/>Do i trust him? Of course I do. I trust him with my life. I trust him.</p>
<p>What if he really needs me? Or rather, what if my death ruined him? I don't want to ruined him. I choose this for his happiness in the first place. I would never forgive myself if I hurt him.</p>
<p><i><b>"Niall please come back to me. I love you,"</b></i> his voice was so desperate and...broken.<br/>My escape was a foot in front of me. I want to give up but the reason I held on so long was for him, because of him. What if my pain never ends but just passes to him?</p>
<p>"I have always love you Louis" I answered back.<br/>-------------</p>
<p>Louis POV:</p>
<p>The silence longs the earth. No laughter rang in the room. No one dare to move. The result have been said but no one was believing it, they tried their hardest to refuse it. The streets outside were filled with life. Car roars and strangers chattered happily.Not a care in the world. Not knowing what was going on. Not knowing that a life was lost.</p>
<p>A dreadful quiet drowns the crowd as they were frozen to the ground they stood. The stingy noise of the heart monitor, that was still drawing flat, laid unnoticed while the world ended for him. He hold his lover in his hands refusing to let go. A Madman's hope was all he held. </p>
<p>While Niall laid in bed....dead.</p>
<p>Or so we thought.</p>
<p>The angles decided to do him a favor as he felt Niall's thumb twitched. Louis snapped his head up as he stared at him, desperately wishing that he haven't imagined it.All of a sudden he jolted forward gasping for air, his ocean eyes opened temporally before his body went limp.</p>
<p>"N-Niall?"he said, his voice cracking and his mouth gape open in disbelieve as he was pushed back by the paramedics to stabilize him. Tears leaked out of his eyes, but for once it was happy tears. Niall might be okay. There was still hope.</p>
<p>It looks like the Madman's hope have turned into reality.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Finally! The part that I was building up to for the past two chapters or so. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Tell me what you think in the comments down below.<br/>As always, thank you so much for reading this story! Don't forget to leave a comment down below or give kudos! It really do make my day.<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date written: 25/11/2020 </b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The end of one chapter. A beginning to another...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Omg! Last and final chapter! Hope you enjoy (:</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Niall POV:</p><p>It'd been three weeks since he decided to live. It'd been two weeks and five days since he felt like he regretted the decision. It'd been two weeks and five days since he was dragged away. It'd been two weeks and five days since he was sent to a mental hospital.</p><p>It was 6 am. He lied awake in his tiny bed, underneath the salmon covers, his neck sore since sleeping on one pillow, and on a bed that seem to be made of rock, was not something he was used to. His sleep medication was starting to wear off as sunlight pours in through the window, lighting up the whole room.</p><p>He stared back at the white ceiling above him. From the first glance he would assumed that it was perfectly perfect, yet the more he looked at it, the more he saw the slight imperfections; from the uneven paint on it to cracks that liter its surface. He found it odd that he could relate to it.</p><p>A soft snore escaped the lips of his roommate as she muttered to herself in her sleep. The sound of the nurses chattering quietly outside his room and phone ringing down the corridor filled his eardrums. He was used to it now, kind of, and almost found comfort in those simple sounds.</p><p>He laid there, partly because his body refused to let him sleep and partly because he don't want to sleep, especially after the nightmare he had, that he couldn't quite remember, yet the heaviness in his heart still remained. He wrapped the navy blue blanket around him, making himself his own little bubble, away from everything.</p><p>The next thing he knew it was 7:00 am. He was startled out of his zone by a nurse banging on the bedroom door, informing him and his roommate that they must be down for breakfast in thirty minutes. He groaned as he dragged his body up from bed to start the day.</p><p>It's not as if the place wasn't helping him. It was; because of it, he was now two weeks clean. Although it was a hard process both physically and emotionally, he pulled through. The problem wasn't that. </p><p>The problem was that he missed home. He missed the boys. Sure, they would come visit about three times every week or sent daily texts to him but it wasn't the same. He hated how Liam looked at him with guilt shinning in his eyes, he hated how Harry looked as if he was about to cry any second and he hated how Zayn looked at him like everything that happened was his fault, even though they tried to hide it and  pretend like everything was fine, he could tell and he hated it; but what he hated most was Louis. </p><p>He doesn't hate Louis, of course not, what he hated was his relationship with Louis. When he came to visit him for the first time at the end of his first week, it was awkward. Niall couldn't read the expression that was written on Louis' face. He felt like it was changing every second, from guilt to sadness to relief. In the 30 minutes of visiting time, none of them spoke a word. They just sat there inside the room of silence that holds tension as sharp as knife. A mute could tell that they had so much to say, yet they remained silent...</p><p>Niall shook the thoughts away before focusing back to what Dr. James, his personal  psychiatrist, was saying. Today they were discussing about his thoughts from last night, where he felt a burning sensation in his mind, telling him that he needs to be punished. It wasn't an easy topic for him and a few tears were shed doing the session. Afterwards he was allowed to use his phone for 10 minutes with strict supervision. He wasn't allowed to use any social media apps or internet in general, except for chatting with his friends and family, which was understandable. He couldn't even begin to imagine what the headlines would look like.</p><p>"Niall Horan from one direction sent to a nut house" </p><p>"Have Niall Horan lost his mind?" </p><p>It would probably be along those lines, he thought, or worse. </p><p>Before he knew it, it was 4 pm. Visitation hours.</p><p>Reading a book and lost in his own world of fantasy, the door creaking open and a figure standing in the doorway went unnoticed; that was until they clear their throat to get his attention. Startled and a bit irritated for interrupting his reading (he told himself that if he couldn't live a fairy tale, he might as well read others live it and drown himself in jealously) he peaked up from his book to lock eyes with them.</p><p>Turned out the figure was none other than Louis. He was standing awkwardly with one hand constantly fixing his fringe and another playing with his shirt, something he did when he's nervous, Niall realized. He was nervous to meet him? </p><p>"Hi" Louis finally said. He's talking now. Wow, well that's progress comparing to the last visit, niall thought before he stuttered back a "Hi"</p><p>"Can I come in?" Louis asked, his fingers still playing with the edge of his shirt. He looked so small (smaller than usual) and vulnerable, he had bags under his eyes, as if he haven't slept in days and his hands were shaking. Wasn't niall suppose to be the madman here? </p><p>"Sure" he whispered back, slowly moving himself back to the wall, making room for Louis as he stumbled towards Niall's bed; and there goes the uncomfortable silence again, it was depressing to be honest, to went from once being able to talk for hours about nothing to having everything to talk about yet having nothing to say. It was like the last visit all over again, or so he thought.</p><p>"I meant it you know", his streams of thoughts were soon interrupted by a sound that was barely a whisper coming from the sea green eyed man beside him, his eyes glossed over in unspoken words. "I don't know if you heard what I said when we thought you were-" he cut himself off before continuing, "I don't know if you heard it but if you did, I meant every word from it." His voice thick, as if controlling himself from breaking down.</p><p>"I did," Niall replied.</p><p>The voice. Louis' voice that made him come back, the voice that begged him to fight back, the words that told him not to give up, the confession that told him that he love Niall. He heard it perfectly. His throat suddenly felt like closing in and his nostrils seems to be burning as his eyes start to water, he quickly shook it away.</p><p>"But it's not possible," niall stated. A look of confusion and sadness wrote itself on Louis' face. His mouth open and close, trying to find words to answer back.</p><p>"What?" he chocked out, "Why? Why wouldn't it be possible? I like you and you like me too, what's stopping us?" Niall huffed out a laugh that sounded more like a sob.</p><p>"Louis, be realistic please. Look at you, you're perfect and now look at me. You think you love me but one day you're gonna realize that you're wrong. I want us more than anything but it's not possible. Y-you don't have to keep pretending okay. I'm alive, I'm not gonna kill myself again. So stop," he suddenly realized that he was crying, he realized that tears were spilling out of his eyes.</p><p> Louis looked like he was just punched in the gut as he stared back at Niall in pure shock but niall wasn't done yet. Everything he wanted to say, everything that was stored inside of him since the day he opened his eyes, was pouring out like word vomit.</p><p>"You don't have to do this," he continued, "you can stop trying to tell me you love me when you don't. Please don't tell me that because you pity me, because you want to stop me from killing myself. I'm fine now okay. Just stop. Stop pretendi-"</p><p>Soft delicate lips were pushed against him, hitting him like a wave and making his words die away in his mouth. Time stopped and the world around him fades as he melts into the kiss. He felt like he was floating and maybe he was, because at the moment all he could think about was how they fit together perfectly like missing pieces of a puzzle. It was slow, gentle and deep, there was no lust in it but rather passion. Thousands of unspoken words passes between them as they kiss like their life depends on it. His lips were soft like cushion and taste so sweet. For a moment Niall thought it was a figment of his imagination. He thought that he had died and went to heaven because it felt overwhelming and addictive. It felt like home. </p><p>A hand wrapped itself around Niall's waist as he put his arms around his neck, pulling him closer. There were no problems, no doubts, no questions. Just them and nothing else. It was raw and it was real. It was just the two of them. Their lips in perfect sync as he pulled him closer till there were no space left between them. The taste of him silenced all his thoughts and made him want more.</p><p>Niall desperately hold onto the moment, savoring it as much as he could, taking all of it in, wanting to hold onto it for the rest of his life. Eventually,cursing at the universe for making them need air to survive, they broke apart.</p><p>"Open your eyes Niall," Louis whispered, his hot breath fanning over Niall's face, sending a shiver down his spine.</p><p>He shook his head. His face scrunching up as he refused. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to open his eyes to realize it was all a dream, to open his eyes and see that he was alone, to realize that he imagined it all; or worse,to realize it was all real. He wasn't ready to look back at Louis to see regret written all over his face, he wasn't ready for Louis to realize that Niall was right, that it was all a huge mistake, and back away. He wasn't ready. </p><p>"Niall. Love, please," Louis pleaded, "open your eyes, please look at me." His voice was sincere  and so sweet,it felt like a warm hug. It was like melody to his ears and he want nothing but to play it on repeat for the rest of his life.</p><p>He slowly opened his eyes, trying his hardest not to break down, preparing himself for Louis to look at him with guilt and regret, but it never came.<br/>
Instead he was greeted by a smile. A genuine soft smile that one can't fake. Louis was looking back at him as if he's the most important person in the whole world. His face was written with fondness and his cheeks colored with a hint of blush.</p><p>"Please listen to me Niall,can you do that for me love?" Louis asked. Niall can't find it in himself to say another word, so he gave him a hesitant nod.</p><p>"I am not perfect," he started "I have my flaws, and I have made many mistakes, but loving you isn't one. Kissing you isn't one. You don't see how amazing you are don't you? When you smile you can lit up the whole world and when you laugh all my worries fade away, that's how special you are. I know you don't believe me right now but I'm willing to stay with you, support you, every step of the way till you get there. Or even if you don't, even when you're tears are falling down, still somehow, you're perfect. The love I had for the boy I first saw at  X factor and the man i'm looking at right now, is the same and it will always be the same.No matter what."</p><p>Louis paused for a few seconds, running his hands through Niall's blond hair before he continued. </p><p>"I know I don't have a lot to give. I don't have a lot to make you believe that I love you more than anything. It's just my words against everything, so I hope you believe me when I say that I'm not pretending or doing this out of pity. You should know how terrible I am at pretending to love someone I don't based on all the PR stunts I did back then," he giggles, making niall broke into a small smile and soon found himself giggling with him like teenage girls. It was quite a site to see; two grown man giggling while tears spilled out from their eyes, both happy and sad.</p><p>The laughter slowly died down after a few minutes but the smile on their faces remained, along with a comfortable silence that longed between them.</p><p>"If you can love me and tell me that I'm perfect when I say I'm not, then I can love you and tell you that you are perfect when you say you're not. So Niall, let me love you," Louis pleaded, his voice becoming a whisper by the end.</p><p>"Ok" Niall replied without thinking. It was obvious that Louis wasn't expecting him to agreed at once. Baffled and dumb founded he asked, "What? Really?"</p><p>A sea of doubts and thoughts flooded Niall as he asked himself the same question, almost regretting his decisions; however, all of it got shut down when he saw the grin written on Louis' face. It was so bright that the sun would be put to shame beside him. His eyes were glinting with hope and even if Niall wanted to say no, he couldn't.<br/>
"Yes. I'll try," He replied.</p><p>If it was possible, Louis' grin widen as he stared back with disbelieve. He looked like a kid on Christmas morning and Niall couldn't help but smile back. Maybe things might not be alright, maybe things will, who knows? However he knew  he'd been scared for so long, scared that he would loose everything if his heart got broken; but now, maybe he would rather loose everything then live in fear and have nothing to loose. Louis cared and that's all it matter. Louis told him he love niall, the thought itself paints a smile on his aching face. <br/>
Finally he rolled his eyes, both in amusement and fondness, pulling him in, muttering something along the lines of "kiss me you fool" before sealing the gap between them with a kiss.</p><p>For once, there were no worries. For once, everything was fine and he never wants it to end.</p><p>
  <i>The end~</i>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's it. That's the end.</p><p>I hope you enjoy this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. I can't believe this story is finished! It's my first time I've ever finished a story! It feels so surreal to me! I hope I've met your expectations you have for this story, I've tried my best in telling the story in the best way possible (:</p><p>Also A BIG THANK YOU to user: <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/DuckieLuver07/pseuds/DuckieLuver07"> DuckieLuver07</a><br/>for commenting on this story and spending your time to read and interact with me. It seriously means so much to me. I'd always feel like squealing whenever I saw ur comment in my inbox so thank you so MUCH! Love you xx</p><p>Now, THANK YOU to everyone else that have give this story a chance and have left kudos or comments on this story. Love you guys too!<br/>A BIG KISSES TO ALL OF YOU MUAH!<br/>Loads of love, Mirror XX)<br/><b>Date: 28/12/2020</b></p>
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